massive deconstruction….

I’m in the office, really really sleepy…I
accidentally cut myself and still my eyes are giving up on me…may
meeting pa kasi that’s why I have to wait until 730pm, hhhhhaaaaayyyy
more than an hour and a half to go…i wish i was somewhere else, in my
bed would be the perfect place…alam mo yun, nakahiga na lang, all
clean and ready to go nyt nyt….tapos sabay may magbubuzz at may
mangangamusta, pwede rin yun….especially if the purpose of that
“perfect sleep” interruption would be just to ask you how your day was
like or what you ate or who were you with or why did you go there, yada
yada yada…sweet din but i’d rather sleep sometimes kasi kapag ikaw na
yung magtatanong it’s the same answer, always…”ok lang”….”ayos
lang”…”andito lang sa bahay”….good for him…again, i am being a
confused duck….still pseudo waiting for the next move…why can’t i
just not wait?….please don’t make me wait….i hate waiting….

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I..

Tears stream, down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I..

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

…tao parin pala ako, madrama, maarte, nalulungkot…magaling ka Chris Martin, napaiyak mo ako sa kantang to…

…don’t you just love it when you’re at the point that the only money that you have is enough for you to go to the office that the only solution that you can think of is to borrow money from either your mum or sister or "yaya" so you can buy lunch, then you just thought of using a different bag but while you were transfering everything, lo’ and behold..MOOLA!! hehehehe…i just love these kind of surprises, not those kind where you’re left hanging in the dark saying "WHATDAFUCKJUSTHAPPENEDTHERE?!"

o no, it’s 830am and i’m still here at home, i should be on my way to work but NNNOOOO for some reason my ars is till glued here at home…waiting for something to be uploaded in my multiply account that’s one reason i’m still here, marami narin nga akong nagawa e…i have already posted something on my lj, erased a testimonial (i’m sorry, what i posted doesn’t really made any sense, will do one again, and post it later), finished breakfast (but my coffee is still waiting for it’s master), and of course already took a bath hehehe…ano ba to? 12 minutes pa raw, huhuhuh…

..if only i could multiply me..potah, ang dami sigurong maiinis! HAHAHA! kaso wala naman akong pakialam e, basta magagawa ko yung mga dapat ko lang gawin, deadma na sa iba di ba!? wow, such angst! so sorry haven’t had my coffee yet, it’s just here sittin’ beside my keyboard..later coffee, later, mum is still typin’..

…my non existent luflayf is still uuhhmmm non existent…had a talk with tutuy yesterday..hart to hart, as in literal na hart to hart

<i>denise: siguro ganto talaga tayong mga busy busyhan, langya ang puso ko nasa back seat na lang lagi e, may agiw agiw na nga e..
tutuy: ako ang puso ko linalamig na</i>

o di ba?! hahaha..sorry na, mga madadrama kaming tao e, komportable kami that way hehe

…got an event tomorrow but i still want to go out tonight!! torn torn torn…dyus ko this is not healthy, not at all!..

…excited na akong makita si DDDDOOOODDDSSS!! mr chairman, aylafyu!

…last time i called somebody "bebe" i got in trouble! but iluvyu, iluvyumore! hahahaha…always be there for me beb! yyyyyyyyiiiihhhhhheeeeee……

…hello, how are you? i hate taking a break from you and everything…i still don’t have it in me to hate you…hhhhhaaayyy what’s in you!? why can’t i give up!?

we’ve been doing this thing called "Celebrity Mix" for BURN and i know Pulp did this din nung nandun pa ako, i forgot what it was called..hhhhhmmm…anyway, since i’m home on a saturday, and just finished dinner and talking to my mushy kumpare (nakanang!)…i’ve been thinkin’ at gusto ko lang i-share.

1.) Incubus-S.C.I.E.N.C.E.
           Guaranteed the best Incubus album ever…ewan sa inyo, pero shempre opinion ko naman to hehehe, sorry defensive…anyhu, i’ve got sooo many favorite songs in this album that i can just pin-point 2 songs that i don’t like…yung Nebula at Calgone but the rest..fabyulus..ay my band and i used to do a mean cover of "Anti-Gravity Love Song" and "Deep Inside"..nuks..hehehe

2.) Skunk Anansie - Paranoid & Sunburnt
           My first owned and first favorite Skunk Anansie CD since i can’t really chose between this and Post Orgasmic Chill, so i have to put them both on my list…i first heard "I Can Dream" when i was in highschool, but i started being this HUGE of a fan early college when i heard "Weak"…i even had my cousin in NY buy me all the cds since it wasn’t available here in the Phili…he listened to one album and he was like, "you like listening to this?! i don’t get it" hehehe…yes, Skin’s songwriting had always been angry, nasty and crude but they were all real, tsaka nakakakilig kung minsan…"if i opened my heart there’d be no space for air cause i wanted you"…pamatay namaaann!

3.) Blind Melon - Blind Melon
           When asked way back in higschool who i wanted to meet before i die, i was always torn between Chris Cornell and Shannon Hoon…and when Shannon Hoon died, i remember praying and tried talking to my dad to look after shannon in heaven and befriend him so when it’s my time to go, madali na ang proseso ng amin pagiging magkaibigan…silly…crazzziillyyy!! sorry ha, fan e…deranged hahaha!…i don’t really like all the songs in this album, actually halo halo sa 2nd and 3rd album ng Blind Melon yung mga kanta na gusto ko but most of them are in this record for example "Change" a song that is very memorable to me is here…

4.) Grace - Jeff Buckley
           Jeff Buckley has the sweetest and intense voice that i’ve ever heard…in one song it’s like he’s serenading you and in the other it’s like he’s ready to kick somebody’s ass with so much rage…sobrang passionate nitong mamang to, obvious naman in every song that he sang…given that "Last Goodbye" is mostly everybody’s favorite song of Jeff, mine would be "Lover You Should’ve Come Over" and "Everybody Here Wants You" although the latter wasn’t in the Grace album…funny because when we were in galera after eating gabie’s matrix brownie, Grace yung sinoundtrip ko at sa sobrang basag ko na nun it was like he was really singing to me in the room forgetting that i’m using my CD player and earphones…kaya kids, say no to drugs! hahaha..

5.) Jamiroquai - The Return of The Space Cowboy
            Funky-ness at its finest!! i used to adore Stuart Zender…kaso pinagpalit nya ako sa isang All Saint! che!

6.) Skunk Anansie - Post Orgasmic Chill
    My 2nd favorite Skunk Anansie album…this was their last…i really love most of the songs in this album specifically "Charlie Big Potato" (where in my enhanced CD, the video and some interviews were included), "Tracy’s Flaw" at yung pamatay na "Secretly". It’s hard to cover a Skunk song since it’s really vocally challenging tsaka may mga effects effects sila here and there, but nevertheless i still love em sayang lang that they already broke up, but there’s still Skin…

7.) John Legend - Get Lifted
    I just adooorrreeee John Legend! I’ve always been an RnB, Hiphop, and all that Fo’ Shizzle music enthusiast (just like you Nick, wish ko rin ata maging black! hehehe!), i really never hid it hehehe…I wasn’t an instant fan, when i first heard "Ordinary People" it wasn’t an instant love affair, but it grew on me that next thing i know almost one week plus plus ko na sha pinakikinggan sa cd player ko…the man is just soooo fine and has a voice that could melt hearts…nakssss…i suggest you listen to "So High" and "Stay With You"……..eeeeeeeeeeeppppp…..*bites fist*

8.) Mother Earth - Desired Effect (live)
    This was my very first taste of acid jazz and i’m thankful for conch and justin for introducing mother earth to me…during OS days, we were really going for that al-rock, acid jazzy feel since both conch and justin’s influences met kapag acid jazz-an na yung pinaguusapan, and since i didn’t want myself to be left out i asked them to give me "listenings" so at least i can get a feel of it…so ayan, Mother Earth, Dag, Incognito, James Taylor Quartet, etc. ang pinakain sa akin hehehe…although Jamiroquai i’ve been diggin’ dati pa pero itong mga to, medyo bago bago sa aking tenga…Mother Earth is the best among what was feed to me na hanggang ngayon di ko parin maalis alis sa utak ko yung basslines ng "Mr. Freedom"…this album is their live recording when they were in japan (i think), galing neto…lalo na yung last part where Matt Deighton introduced his bandmates, tapos kanya kanyang solo…ay pamatay yung solo ni Neil Corcoran…

9.) N.E.R.D. - In Search Of
    The perfect driving music, sobrang walang tapon….Pharrell my honey is such a talented muthaf*cka…lyrics wise medyo mababaw, but it’s them beats man! THEM BEATS!!…

10.) blanko pa ito…i’m still bound to absorb an album befitting for this slot…

…it’s just sad that the person who’s currently making me smile just by thinking about him, is the same person who can also make me feel so stupid…as if saying sorry is not enough, he just really had to drill it in!…why am i trying so hard to understand you? what is happening to me?!WHY CAN’T I FUCKING KILL THE DRAMA?!**silent scream starts here**

"Don’t wanna lose you
Don’t even own you…"

…this
just wasn’t my day..you know how you wake up and you can instantly
sense that things and situations will not be easy on you? there you
go…i didn’t force myself to be happy in any way, trip kong magpakaEMO
ngayong araw nato, bigay nyo na to sa akin…yes, it’s about a boy, and
it’s stressing me out that i can’t hardly see the bigger picture…so
far there’s nothing to think about work which is my best diversion
(tried and tested, fuck alcohol and drugs! work is the best way to get
a move on!) that’s why a vacant brain doesn’t really help…

…my cousin from NY just SMSed me while i was typing my first paragraph for this entry…and he said, "Nanay passed away this morning. 8am"…8am
NY time is 8pm here…my aunt had been battling from cancer for almost
2 years if I’m not mistaken…this explains it all then, the whole day
gloom cloud casted over me, and the weather didn’t really do much help
either…it haven’t really hit me yet, i’m still numb, or at least i’m
forcing myself to feel that way…it’s still about a boy but now i
really think that this whole awful day wasn’t just about him, because i
know me, even though i have all the time in the world, i don’t go
around moping the whole day just because of that…mas mabigat pala
yung rason…it’s just crazy having a death in the family lalo na kapag
ganito na sakit yung ikinamatay…you know you’re sad, but part of you
doesn’t want to be since happy ka that at least she’s the lucky one,
leaving you with all the cruelties in this world, at least she’s ok
now, her sufferings already ended….i don’t care if you think that’s
morbid, but that’s really how i feel…pero ngayon, di ko matantsa
e…i’ve never been close to my aunt cause she’s been in NY as far as i
can remember…i’ve always considered her already as a New Yorker, she
just comes here for short vacations but always makes it a point that
she’ll see us…i’m not sure if i’m her favorite niece but i think she
was fond of me…she gave me the money so i can have my braces, when i
was young she would ask me if i wanted to go to NY and visit her and
she’ll pay for everything but i was too young at that time that i would
always smile and say i don’t want to because i don’t want to leave
without my nanay but if she would’ve asked me that like 3 years ago, i
would go, in a heart beat! my cousins would always find her the meanest
of all my aunts, but she was never mean to me, i remember 2 years ago
at my cousin’s wedding in dumaguete, nobody wanted to be roomies with
her in the hotel so i volunteered, and we had a great time, her only
rule was just not to take so much time in the comfort room, and that
was all eheheh…as my relatives would find my tattoos odd, she loved
them, she confessed in wanting to have one done sa ankle nya but she
was the head nurse for some hospital in NY so medyo nagaalangan
sha…at that time, she never told me that she was already diagnosed of
cancer, no wonder she had a whole zip lock filled with those red
medicine containers na napapanuod ko sa mga foreign shows…it just
saddens me that i’m too far away from my cousin, who’s alone in NY and
subliminaly lost…he’s too much of a New Yorker too cry, alam ko…and
i’m too much of a Denise to not feel…

…nakauwi ako ng bahay na may araw nanaman, ilang beses na to a,
kailangan ng magbago…LOLA FOREVER!!…anyway, that’s not the story..the story
is P.O.T. and Indio I!!! WWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! ibang klase…the other
night i was at chakik’s nga to watch Wunjo, and eventhough both Mally and Ian
are there and also Vic, it’s nothing compaired to the magic they brought to
P.O.T. and Indio I…not saying that Wunjo isn’t a great band, but it’s close to
satisfy your craving for both groups, kumbaga, 2 in 1 na sha hehehe…was at
bistro early (around 730pm) since last night ian warned me that he’s been
hearing that a lot of people will attend the reunion, HELLO! given na yun
hehehe..pero took his advice and went there really early to get the best seat,
which i shared with grace, reli, tita wiji, jerome, bong and miguel (who’s
fuckin’ 19 pa lang pala, laking bulas shet!)…when indio i started playing,
kulang na lang buhangin, tubig dagat, red horse at yosi…ay teka, meron pala
nung last two, pero basta, we were taken to a virtual beach hhhaaayyy…tapos
P.O.T. na. hindi na namin kinaya…it was AWESOME!!!…sabi nga namin ni
tita wiji orgasmic e..totoo!! it was i guess one of the best gigs that i’ve
attended! iba sila ian, harley, mally and karl…gods…mapapa-sigh ka na lang
after mong kumanta ng matindi!

…teka di parin ako dinadalaw ng antok
and i feel so dirty…i am completely intoxicated right now, a little hungry,
pero oks lang..so teka, kwento pa..

…grace and i ate at mcdo with tita
wiji and jerome, nuggets, fries at sprite, sarap!…tapos went to the meatshop
to drink some more..tapos umuwi na..yun na..my long night ended
there…something also ended…the drama!
hhhhhmmmmm…….

…unconditional love (?) gets really tiring sometimes,
pero gusto ko yan e, kaya medyo magdusa ako or not…

…you made me
smile when i saw the shirt, looked good on you..

…somebody’s going to
have a little break for awhile from this whole "infatuation" thing cause it’s
really starting to evolve and i am not liking it…because it’s already a known
fact that the person who will have a broken "beating heart baby" here is
me…and people, i don’t know about you but having a broken something in your
body will give you a hard time to function and focus on the more important
stuff….so…necessary precaution was made when i was on my way
home…hhhhaaayyy…i’ll miss you…i ssssssooo wanted to have something with
you….not much…but it would have been a fun something…a lovely
something…o well…

was at chakik’s last night to check out wunjo again, it’s been a long time since i last saw them play, i think it was in saguijo pa…anyway, was there a few minutes before they started their first set so i was able to talk to the men muna, chicka chicka hehehe…tagal na kasi na hindi kami nagkita kita..si mally bigotilyo hahaha, and ian still looks the same, very reserved and good lookin’ naks…then the first set started, joey came in, had this big ass beer to finish, his treat, yyyaaazzz….solb na ako….good music (mally and ian are GODS, actually they all are hehehe), chicken lolly, beeeerrr and ok company…then grace arrived, tapos we went to jay-j’s to meet up with the cosmic boys, lola carive was there although he retired a lot early kasi "pagod na ang lola mo!," those were his exact words…had fun last night, steady lang, chillax, kulang na lang sa bahay ko ginawa where i usually do my chillaxin’…

my little nephew is so cute, he’s my current addiction…gggrrr… daldal pa, just like his mommy…but his lola thinks that he got his temper from me?! HUWAT!? hhhhmmm…pwede…hehehe…soon i’ll teach him to say "halika!" & "tama na!" & "i love you"…

"You put your friends through hell
That’s why we get along so well"…..♥♥♥